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- Amy Schneider is an accomplished American software engineer and holds the record as the most successful female contestant on “Jeopardy!”
- This piece is adapted from her memoir titled “In the Form of a Question.”
- “In the Form of a Question” delves into Schneider’s exploration of curiosity across various life dimensions.
I first met Kelly in 2004, and it became clear to both of us that we were destined for marriage. Around Christmas time, she requested, “Please don’t propose until after I graduate in May!” Had she not said that, I likely would have popped the question by New Year’s Eve. We both understood we were meant to spend our lives together and had already recognized early on that monogamy wasn’t what we desired.
At 25 years old and with Kelly turning 22 just days after our meeting, we felt there was still so much life ahead of us. While she had some sexual experiences under her belt, I was completely inexperienced—I hadn’t even shared my first kiss yet. She was my first love in nearly every sense; although I knew without a doubt that marrying her was what I wanted, it also struck me as odd to think about promising to never experience intimacy with anyone else again. This realization left me feeling slightly uneasy.
It wasn’t misery; rather it was overshadowed by how joyful being with her made me feel—just a hint of discomfort lingered.
Cultural Stigmas Surrounding Sexuality
A significant bond between us stemmed from our shared experiences growing up in an environment where sexuality wasn’t just frowned upon but often dismissed entirely.
With each other, we discovered a safe space to express our enjoyment for sexual pleasure without fear or shame. It felt liberating to openly discuss topics like desire and fantasy—acknowledging moments when we felt aroused or engaged in self-exploration—without tying those feelings back to any religious doctrine or societal expectations. We could finally share our true desires without judgment.
Our mutual interest in pop culture also played a role in deepening our connection; naturally, this led us into conversations about which celebrities sparked our fantasies. To our surprise, if either one of us had an opportunity to act on these fantasies—like if Kelly could sleep with Jude Law or if I could be intimate with Justine Henin-Hardenne—we realized we’d not only be okay with it but would genuinely support each other’s happiness. Our love for one another meant celebrating each other’s dreams rather than stifling them.
Of course, not all crushes were limited to famous figures; there were real-life individuals who piqued our interest too! Why should we suppress those feelings? Society often warns against such interactions while simultaneously condemning premarital sex—which turned out to be incredibly fulfilling for both of us! So why shouldn’t we allow ourselves the freedom to explore connections outside traditional boundaries?
Embracing Non-Monogamy: A Personal Choice
The notion that sex should define fidelity seemed arbitrary at best. Why would it be unacceptable if Kelly happened upon someone attractive at a party while intoxicated? Conversely, if she spent time nurturing another relationship secretly but refrained from physical intimacy—that somehow wouldn’t count as cheating? If she created an online dating profile stating “Looking for my next partner,” why would that bother me less than if she hooked up during work travel? Engaging physically didn’t equate wanting out; I knew this because even within my own fantasies involving others—I never envisioned ending things with Kelly.
This understanding led us down the path toward non-monogamy—a choice met with skepticism back when Cincinnati wasn’t quite ready for such openness compared to today’s Bay Area climate where alternative relationship structures are more accepted (2023). While few people knew about this aspect of ours—and many friends raised eyebrows—it baffled us since we’d always been somewhat unconventional thinkers navigating through life’s complexities alone.
This excerpt is taken from “In the Form of a Question” by Amy Schneider © 2024 Avid Reader Press/Simon & Schuster.
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